Homo homini rodentius est

Holiday Dieting Tips!

Roto Rooter for the personal plumbing
Patented Diet Elixir Think of it as Drano for your own personal plumbing…

People often ask me (and by “people” I mean “no one” and by “often” I mean “never”) “Sprague, as a busy metropolitan blogger — hip deep in the hoopla — attending social events right and left, how DO you keep your lithe boyish body? Especially during the holidays?!” And I just shake my head, laugh quietly into my armpit and say, “Well, just between you and me, I’ve come up with a sure-fire method that lets me keep those unsightly pounds at bay while still allowing me to plow through food like Kirstie Alley at a Las Vegas buffet.” My secret? A simple elixir of prune juice with a few dashes of hot sauce.

Disgusting? You bet it is — like everything that’s good for you. Broccoli, fish oil, cigarettes — they’re all disgusting. “But wait a minute,” I hear you say, “how could something so simple be the answer to such a vexing problem?” Well. For the answer to that, we have to spend a few minutes talking about how your body works…

Lucy and Ethel demonstrate biology
How Your Body Works Lucy and Ethel demonstrate the mechanics of weight gain.

Imagine that your intestines are a chocolate factory (so to speak). The food travels down the conveyor belt at a leisurely pace, past the kooky redheaded calorie collector and her blonde sidekick, who scoop up the calories as they pass by and dutifully deposit them on your ass.

Now just suppose that you could speed up that conveyor belt a little — what do you think would happen? You’re way ahead of me. The calories would zip by the frazzled calorie collectors before they had a chance to collect them. The result? Classic comic hilarity in your guts and a fat-free ass, to boot!

That’s all there is to it. Who said staying healthy had to be hard work? So go for that third helping of mashed potatoes this Thanksgiving! Eat the whole goddamned pumpkin pie — you don’t have to worry. After a little ride on the porcelain pony, you’ll be right as rain.

DISCLAIMER: This blog post is intended for humorous purposes only. The author is not a medical professional — he’s a pretend rat. Anyone coming to this blog looking for sound medical advice has more problems than just their weight. Seriously.

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